Have you ever been lost in a deep forest? It can happen quite suddenly and is frightening, to say the least.
You were on a path and now you’re not.
You knew your route and had a plan but somehow, somewhere, the trail’s been obscured.
You’re too deep in the woods to see where you started and where you’re going has become muddled.
Much, you may realize, like waking up and being middle-aged.
You find yourself surrounded by a “forest” of any of the following;
a long marriage
a divorce
widowed
an empty nest
no longer young but not yet old
menopause
aging parents
parents who have passed
geographically scattered family members
the need or desire to downsize
retirement looming
spiritual questions
a desire for spiritual awakening
financial concerns
career questions – too late to begin one? tired of the one you have?
time to change course?
dreams to pursue
health concerns
wondering who that is staring back at you in the mirror
These can swirl about you and feel like they’re closing in on you – much like the darkness and sounds that can haunt you when surrounded by trees and brush and snapping twigs underfoot.
But I’m from Colorado and I’ve spent some time in the woods. I’ve learned a thing or two about finding your way safely out of a deep forest if lost in one. They apply, I found, to mid-life disorientation as well.
1. Get the right mindset. If you are lost in a forest, you may start to feel frantic. Try your best to remain calm.
Same with mid-life. For me, it’s been, do I have enough time to do the things I need and want to do? I can almost hear a tick-tock, tick-tock in my mind. It can be paralyzing. I fear I’ll make the wrong choice. I imagine doors closing. There’s no longer an endless succession of days ahead in my life. It’s no wonder frantic feelings ensue.
Until I remember that I can only live and enjoy, all I can ever live and enjoy, is right now. So whether we have 70 years ahead of us, 30, 10, or merely two months – to be calm and present is wisdom and brings peace.
2. Clearly mark the location where you discovered you were lost. This way if you’re walking around, you’ll be able to tell if you’re covering the same ground over and over again.
Learn, if you haven’t already, what works for you and what doesn’t.
Try new things. Remember Julia Child trying bridge and language classes and hat making, until she stumbled onto cooking in her pursuit of a passion and then had the crazy idea of starting a cooking show?
Don your Girl Scout cap and be adventurous. Cover new ground. Go explore.
3. Use a make-shift compass to help you maintain your direction.
Prayer? Solitude? Meditation? Vision boards? Written goals?
Use whatever helps you follow your own north star and keeps you from counterfeit destinations.
4. Follow water – creeks and rivers usually lead you out of the forest.
Water is clean and cold and it flows – carving its course. It’s life sustaining.
Dispose of toxic relationships. Life is too short for those.
Forgive yourself and forgive others.
Follow the flow of the river of your life.
Side-step stagnation.
5. Carry a whistle.
Sound the alarm so someone can hear it and come to your aid. Get someone’s attention.
So it is if you’re feeling lost at this stage of life. Reach out – to a friend, to a sister, to a partner. They can be a lifeline. It’s so comforting to hear, “What? You too?”
You’re not alone and certainly not the first to get lost for a time in the middle of the middle of the middle.
6. Lastly – and this is important – stay put if it’s dark or you’re hurt. It’s easier to find you if you stay in one spot.
Have the experience of being lost. Tough it out by working through the darkness. This is particularly important if you feel a large void in your life. Don’t make the mistake of rushing in an attempt to avoid the inner work you may need to find your bearings again.
Feeling puzzled?
Have patience.
Stay put until the light shines again.
It will.
Wonders await us on the rest of our journey.
Of that I’m sure.
What an appropriate analogy you have going today! I do feel like I’ve been walking around in circles in the forest of my mind. I need to start leaving markers so I’ll notice the next time I take the same route so I can stop and get my bearings. I keep trying to do everything and it has me in this loop.
The most reassuring part of your post was “It’s so comforting to hear, ‘What? You too?’.” Knowing that I’m not alone in being lost in this forest (or that other people can see the forest as well!) is so reassuring.
Tammy recently posted..Post Its to the Rescue
Tammy, it always, ALWAYS gives us comfort to hear we’re not alone; to know someone else can relate. Women, I think, are about community.
What a wonderful post, and I love your photos. I will remember your analogy as it applies to midlife.
We all need an inner compass, but sometimes we’re unsure which direction to go toward.
I especially like your last point about stepping through a fear instead of around it (paraphrasing). That is something I truly need to do.
PS Where were those photos taken? Just curious…
Cathy Chester recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: Goodbye To Our Furry Friend, With Love and Gratitude
Cathy, staying with the issues/fear/doubt is essential to moving forward authentically. The pictures? The first one of the redwoods I took at Muir Woods outside San Francisco, the second one with the fountain and palm trees I took at St. Ines Mission in southern California (north of Santa Barbara) and the last one with meandering grass path I took on Willamette University campus in Salem, Oregon. Does one look familiar?
I’ve been reading you for a while and just noticed that you’re from Colorado – I am, too! I’ll be turning 60 this year and consider myself to be mid-life. I took a look at that life around 6 months ago and decided to make a lot of changes. I started blogging about it, but soon found that implementing the changes took time and the results came so quickly that I didn’t have time to blog! I’ve experienced or done all the things you talk about today and found that having the right mindset and written goals are helping me the most. While I’m not completely there yet, my life looks a lot different than it did 6 months ago and I look forward to all the next decades bring. Anyway, I enjoy your blog and look forward to seeing what else we have in commen. I’ll be checking out your other blogs, too.
Have a great day!
Thank you Cyndi! I hope you’re blogging still because I’d love to see all the changes you’ve incorporated. Sounds like you’re leading a full, rich life delving into your 60s! Fantastic.
Beautiful and inspiring, surely words of hope.
suzicate recently posted..To Each His Own Time
Thank you Suzicate. I think surely hopeful is how we can best walk through our days!
Barb,
I echo my fellow commenters, beautiful and the words are hopeful. This advice applies, I believe, anytime you feel stuck. Your post reminded me of advice in Tiny Beautiful Things (By Cheryl Strayed), “The only way out of a hole is to climb out.”
Thank you.
Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri recently posted..Taking Things Personally Turns Us Toward Love
I just bought Tiny Beautiful Things, having read Wild and loved it. Strayed is one strong woman; inspiring and honest to read. Thanks, Rudri
Barbara – this fantastic post describes what so many of us feel in middle age – particularly during menopause. I can’t tell you how many times I myself felt like I’ve just lost my direction and need a lifeline – preferably, one that will leave me alone when I need to be left “lost.” I encourage women to help each other through this time and talk to each other -be each others’ lifelines, as you point out, since we can all relate and there’s safety – and emotional wellness – in numbers;)
Ellen Dolgen recently posted..Menopause News Flash: How to Prevent Pregnancy in Perimenopause
And Ellen, we all have a different set point of being in numbers and encouragement – and like you stated, some alone time to work through the being lost. At the end of the day, we are the ones who have to find our direction again. It’s good to know we’re not alone in the confusion though. Oh what? I’m not crazy??? Kind of good to know.
Gorgeous photos, Barb, especially the one with the fountain and that Spanish-style home(?). I love your suggestions, too — “staying put” is something we teach our kids for those times they get separated from us, isn’t it? Funny how we tend to forget those old lessons, then end up being/feeling lost ourselves!
Debbie recently posted..Happy Birthday, Domer!!
Yes it is Debbie – life is cyclical if nothing else.
Beautiful photos and inspirational advice. It’s interesting you mention water, as my husband and I just had a conversation about the sense of renewal and calm we feel around water (which is rather scarce here in the mountains).
I tend to freeze up when I feel lost, doing very little to move forward. Lately I’ve been in need of a whistle and a compass, for sure. And the right mindset.
Thank you for this.
Lisa @ Grandma’s Briefs recently posted..What I learned this week: Apple slicers cut perfect home fries
I hear you my fellow Coloradan – and you know, I’m sure, like I do, Lisa, the importance of packing the right things in your pack before heading into the hills – metaphorically and physically. Thank you!
It was so wonderful to read your post this morning and think about it all day. It really gave me some insight into my current situation. I “retired” 7 years ago with clearly laid out plans (and what do they say about those?) for my next career. Things went well for a couple of years but then completely fell apart. After being a goal-driven person for my entire life, I did feel quite disoriented. BUT, I did not rush into any emergency measures like taking an ill-fitting job or getting another degree, things I would have done in my younger days. I just waited. I got comfortable with being lost.
I am stuck in the forest but I’m going to stay in it for a while and find out what it’s all about. Lucky for me, I have close friends who are at the same age and stage, so, lots of ears and shoulders are available.
I can’t say that my life is perfect or that the meaning of the universe is clear, but things certainly are going a lot more smoothly than when I was trying to stay on the map and get to my destination in a hurry.
Katrina Blanchalle recently posted..Inspiration is Everywhere
Absolutely and alleluia Katrina! I’m in that lost and going slowly stage myself right now. Composting – as I call it. Taking time to turn things over and get things right before trodding out again. And yes – close friends and solitude, for me, are compasses and nourishment.
A lovely and very thought provoking post. I think I will mark my place so I don’t keep passing over the same territory!! I’m not sure of the next path for me and your analogy expresses it beautifully.
Haha Jennifer – that’s what the definition of insanity is, right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If we want to move on with purpose and novelty – it’s such a nice time of life to try something, even little things, that are new or have long been procrastinated or unavailable to us.
Love the pictures and sentiment. The suggestion of a whistle kind of caused a little chuckle as I am rarely in the wilderness, but do sometimes feel lost. Is a whistle appropriate for urban wanderings? At the end of a life question, we should all wish to end up in an english style garden. Great post.
A compass would absolutely be appropriate and helpful in an urban setting, Karen. Because we can certainly feel lost in a concrete jungle as well. Buildings and people and taxis and noise can all feel like they’re closing in and every Starbucks on every corner can all start to look the same.
It has been shocking to me how difficult mid-life has been. I was not prepared and at first I thought I was crazy. It really does take a lot of clearing out the toxins and tapping into the flow. It’s as if life insists that we work it out here at the midmark. Grow or die. It’s been tough but so worth it. Finally ourselves and finally free.
You’re so right, Amy. Grow or die, thrive or decay both seem to be asking ?? at this point. What was true in the morning is no longer so in the afternoon/evening and all that suddenly makes sense as we look around and consider the best path forward.
Wow, this is a fantastic post, Barbara! To say it resonated with me is an understatement. I am thinking about next steps and I sometimes feel like I’m on a precipice, teetering precariously. I don’t want to fall and yet my steps still feel uncertain. This is a time of introspection for me and I guess for many of us in midlife. Thanks so much for this thoughtful and thought provoking post.
Well thank you, Helene. The parallels resonated with me and I’m so pleased, yet not surprised, the same uncertainty, need for introspection and time to figure things out correctly, hold true for others at our same stage here somewhere in the middle.
Lesson #7: Take to the blogosphere where your fellow bloggers await you with comfort and solace and similar challenges. We’ll get through this life stage together. Thanks for the thoughtful words and pictures.
Amen Maryl, amen. A #7 would be more than appropriate as other like bloggers have been such a supportive and relate-able core of voices. Isn’t it nice and strengthening that we have the outlet and ability to reach out – or whistle blow when we need it?
I am always inspired by your beautiful writing and gorgeous photography. I have, fortunately, never been lost in the woods but have certainly been lost at points in my life where it felt very, very dark. You have summed up so much of the ways in which mid-liffers find themselves in the dark. Excellent, excellent advice. thank you!
grownandflown recently posted..Empty Nest Cooking
That lost in the woods feeling is never a good thing, but we can find our way out depending on circumstances, time to figure it out and the faith that we can do it.
Barbara: Just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed reading this post. I have been checking in from time to time, and this post made me stop and think. All I can say is Ditto to everyone’s comments. No reason to invent the wheel. What a great service you are providing.
Thank you and glad to know you’re stopping in often, Evelyn – even if it’s silently. And glad you gave a shout out today!
What a great analogy! Imaginative and well executed. Thanks for taking the time to write that up for the benefit of your readers. Karen (from #genfab)
Karen D. Austin recently posted..Polypharmacy
Thank you for stopping in Karen.