Last week I received thank you notes from my daughters and oldest granddaughter for their Christmas gifts.
I mean, they actually took out a pen, wrote a note, put it in an envelope, adhered a stamp and mailed a letter.
On paper.
Handwritten.
Don’t you love that?
With technology, our style and means of personal communication have been forever altered.
I love and can get lost in a stationery store.
I have to tell you a funny thing my grown son said the other day. We passed a pretty big stationery store and he commented that it must be a front for something illegal.
“Why do you say that?” I asked, thinking he was joking.
“Because, stationery? Really? Who shops for that?” was his reply.
Okay, and it didn’t help that he’s a male.
Etiquette entails rules like which fork goes where at a place setting and who introduces whom first, and although we’re more relaxed these days than in times past, we do ourselves a favor to at least be aware of the guidelines.
Civility and manners are still essential for us to live respectfully with one another.
Do we really want to be known as “Loud Americans?” Loud? Rude? Crass? Do we want to be surrounded by rude people? Are we careful not to contribute? Do we naturally act with decorum?
It’s not a little thing to treat others with respect, compassion, generosity and kindness.
I have grown sons and when I see them open the door for others, stand on public transportation to let someone elderly take their seat, or set a nice table, I’m warmed by it.
I have grown daughters. When we talk about what we’ve been reading, the phone calls they make to their grandmother, or I hear of them bringing flowers to the hostess of a dinner party, or contributing to the meal, I’m proud.
If you have grandchildren, use teachable moments that occur – not just about manners and the importance of please and thank-you (although they’re important) but to have respect and empathy for others.
Nurture social relationships yourself. Balance on-line relationships with real face to face time. And when you’re with real live people, how do you behave?
What do you do with your cell phone when with someone? When in a restaurant? Public place? What about your car phone? How considerate are you of others when you’re with them? Can you resist texting and checking emails and taking calls while a real live friend with a heart beat, one who can make eye contact with you and laugh with you, is present?
Listen – really listen to others. That’s such a courtesy and gift.
We can engage in meaningful dialogue. We can steer conversations toward ideas rather than gossip.
Promote decency and decorum among elected officials. There were so many on-line conversations with the elections this last fall. I appreciated those who tolerated discourse and bipartisanship with one another. I avoided those who didn’t.
We’re old enough to be wise. We can be elder stateswomen who set an example of civility and grace.
Help a stranger with directions. It means so much when you’re traveling in unfamiliar surroundings.
A small word or written note can fill a large space in a lonely heart.
Keep an etiquette book or two sitting around for reference. Send one to a child about to embark on their own in life, leave the nest, maybe even to a location far from home.
Who knows? You may even score a thank you note.
I love this post and whole heatedly agree. I have most of the books you show here and have been meaning to get the Letitia Baldrige one. When I was a child my mother was very attentive to teaching us proper manners. I was the same with my children and am fairly certain my children will pass the knowledge along. I always explained to my children that their manners are what determined their “class” in life, not their looks or their money.
Love that explanation, Jennifer. Money certainly need not, nor often does, determine class or taste.
It is such a shame that letter writing has fallen by the wayside. Having been in HR for too many years, I wish job seekers would realize that a pen and paper thank you for an interview is RARE and very impressive. Many a time a candidate has received a position that he/she might not have had it not been for that thank you (and emails don’t carry as much weight!).
There is a cute little movie called “Blast from the Past” in which Brendan Fraser’s character says, “Manners are a way of showing other people we care about them.” How true is that, and what a great perspective.
Tammy recently posted..Instant Connection
You’re right, Tammy. A hand written thank you note is a stand out in professional settings too. And I like the quote from Blast from the Past. That’s a good way of putting it.
I exchanged letters with my friend from Kentucky for 15 years. Since we have both become more techno savvy, we have unfortunately stopped sending letters. Sometimes I think I should compile her letters in a book because her letters are hysterically funny. It was during the time when she was finishing up her PhD. at the University of Kentucky and raising her two children. Her anecdotes are cleverly written and priceless. We now easily communicate, but it isn’t as thoughtfully done and I miss the handwritten letters.
They have opened a new store here called the Paper Source. I could spend hours in that store. Truthfully, what would I do with all of that paper, but it’s so beautiful.
I take for granted my husband’s extremely gallant manners. One son-in-law has the same manners, but the other unfortunately doesn’t. He truly loves my daughter, but sometimes she feels bad that he doesn’t extend those little polite actions that she watched her father do for me and by extension also for her and her sister. He feels foolish doing those little things like opening her door because he was raised (I refuse to label here) that that was stupid. I think he would like to and admires Dan for his politeness. Manners must be taught when children are young. From their very beginnings so that they are natural.
Love the cover art and titles of the etiquette books. Priceless.
Karen, what a thoughtful response. Yes, it’s so important to teach manners and respect when kids are kids. It helps when it then comes “naturally.”
Can you imagine what a gift it would make if you DID bind those letters for your friend. And there are so many on-line sources for making books it would be easy to find a place to do it. That’d be a treasure!
Next time I’m in your neck of the woods – I’d love to check out that paper store. I, too, can get lost in them forever. But then, yes, how and where will I find the time to use them all and fill them all??
Barb, I LOVE this post! I think manners are so important; they’re a reflection of how we were raised. I love that you taught your kids consideration and kindness. When my son was little, I insisted he write Thank-you notes. He hated it and complained loudly, but even today, I’m proud to say he writes them. And that’s saying a lot because he’s off at college, where I can’t stand over him insisting any more, haha!
You’re so right in saying that it’s a lack of manners that makes our world noisy and abrasive today. Used to be, gentility was a highly-prized virtue. Perhaps if we each do our part to bring it back, this world will be a better place, don’t you think?
Debbie recently posted..Thoughts about Manti
Yes I do, Debbie. Gentility is and would be a balm.
I guess I have two views or attitudes toward etiquette. One is that thoughtful behavior and polite words really should be the basis for any human interaction. I suppose that is more the definition of civility or courtesy than etiquette. I am continually surprised that something so obvious seems to be ignored by a lot of people.
My other thought is that the strict rules of etiquette, at least the older traditions, seem to reference scenarios that either no longer exist or that most people will never experience. As a child I learned how to curtsey, how to address titled personages, and the placement and use of every single knife, fork and spoon at a formal table, yet I have never attended any event where that knowledge was necessary.
I wonder if this is how our children view our insistence on thank you notes, no cell phones, etc. No longer relevant? I hope not!
Katrina Blanchalle recently posted..Actual Finished Objects – With Roses
Social mores are organic, I agree. For example, I mailed packages for the holidays to 3 of my 4 children who live out of state. Without being asked, they took pictures of them on their doorstep when they arrived, with their phones and a text that said how surprised or excited they were. A daughter sent a picture of an ornament I sent hanging on their tree. Another daughter set up her I-pad and let us watch them open presents we’d sent. Those are fun and thoughtful. Maybe they send a written thank you note after the holidays because they know it means something to me. And that’s a bottom line with manners, isn’t it? Being gracious. Being thoughtful and considerate. Going an extra mile.
Oh, I really like that – your kids have taken the underlying idea of a thank-you note, and expanded it into something even more enjoyable and expressive by means of available technology. THAT is the direction technology should take us, IMHO.
Katrina Blanchalle recently posted..Actual Finished Objects – With Roses
These are critically important lessons, though many think they no longer matter. I admit, I’m not as good at abiding by them as I was once; my only excuse – and it is an excuse – is how jammed my schedule always is, and at times, what isn’t top of the list on any given day drops, and drops.
I tried to teach these same proper “formules” of good behavior to my sons – hand-written thank you notes for example – and it was difficult. They’re teens/young adults; will any of it have stuck?
I can hope, but sadly, I cannot guarantee. And I wish I could. These tangible thank you’s matter.
BigLittleWolf recently posted..Words of Advice, July 1983
Yes they do, BLW, yes they do. And all we can do is all we can do.
What a great post Barb! I too received thank-you notes after Christmas that were hand-painted by my nieces. Our daughter is teaching our grandson manners and he does fairly well for someone who is almost three-years-old. Our son refuses to buy cards with messages printed in them because he wants to make his cards to us personal. And I know he opens doors for women. These little things make such a difference and take so little time. I love your idea about etiquette books. We had a huge Emily Post etiquette book on the shelf when I was growing up. Its pages were well worn.
As for personal relationships and my cell phone. I never answer my phone or glance at a text when I am with someone else. I don’t talk on the phone at the register, or in a restaurant, or in public places that will inconvenience other people.
I love all of the photos, and it sounds like you have managed to pass on civility, etiquette, and manners to your children
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Hand made and hand painted cards? How lucky you are! i’ll bet you’ve got a box of them saved. I know i would.
Can I get an Amen?!? I think we have reached a point in our society where rudeness is no longer just an annoyance. It is actually impeding our progress. People no longer agree to disagree, they are too hell bent on driving their own perspective home. And if the other guy is taken down in the process, that is a bonus. I long for the days of common courtesy.
May recently posted..The Vessel
Yep, May – I’m rockin’ an Amen back to your feeling that rudeness impedes our progress. Absolutely.